Yet another one. I discontinued it's LJ counterpart to avoid redundancy; after all this host is more accessible to the audience I'm aiming for. Still though, check it out!

My brand new Creative Repository

( One last indulgence then I'll cease to become a bore, okay? )

On a cooler note, I think this time of year is pretty much my time of year. Remember how last year at this time I got all sorts of crazy, new, exciting experiences? Well, it's happening again. A couple of days ago I got an excited message from Abi, saying that she has an urgent question and I have to answer ASAP. It turns out, she's got two tickets to Boracay, free airfare and accommodations, and she's taking me! (Jean Diana Farrales, umuwi ka na kasi! o_0)

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I was like, YES YES YES YES!!!!!!!! So there, I'm going to Boracay for the first time ever, with one of my bestest friends in the world, on Halloween weekend, for three days, practically all-expenses paid. Shiiiiiiit, I'm so excited!!!!!!!!!!!!

I effing love my life right now.

I need to see all of you so I can give you ginormous hugs so I can keep the love going. Now I fully understand what they say about passing something on and emptying yourself of one thing so you can keep getting refilled with it. Thus I need to give you love and I need to get some from you. Wahahaha. That sounds really creepy, but it's not. LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE.

I effing love my life right now.

I've been gone quite a while, the longest since i embarked on the phantasmagoria of summer break and the neverending daydreams one creates when one has too much time on their hands. I'm glad to report at least that the past couple of weeks have been no less than eventful (not counting Ondoy and Pepeng and the deluge they brought about); in fact setting in motion the cogs of life as i intend to know it.

( Thus what you have ahead of you may be a long read, but not a daunting one (i hope), because i'd like to fill you in on what currently makes the stuff of Julia. )

So it is no secret that i am a highly visual person. And that my mind works in many very organized compartments where one functions when it is pulled out and goes into hibernation once the lid has been placed over it. However these days i'm going into some sort of cerebral meltdown upon finding out that my planner, the lifeblood of my days and the heart that pumps blood into my sanity, is missing two crucial weeks. Two crucial weeks! It started yesterday, the 13th, and ends on the 27th. Yes, the 27th, my Blackjack Weekend.

At first i thought i would be fine; my brain is highly capable of holding thoughts in its many convolutions without the need for external assistance. But event after event is piling up each day, with many details involved in each one, that even if i still have it together, i'm just going nuts at the fact that i can't outline it tangibly. I need to write it down. I need to see it before my eyes and have it pop up in a Beautiful Mind-esque outer glow. Otherwise it's not complete. It leaves a knot in my stomach leaving me feeling like i missed something. Case in point, i got a call today for an exam with a company where the person i talked to said she'll just send me the specifics through text. No problem. I got the text, read it, dwelled for a minute, and without further thought deleted it. Deleted the text message that contained all of the information for prospective work. How fucking STUPID am i?! The thing is, i was so used to immediately writing down such things in my planner the moment I set eyes on them that my ever-assuming brain just hopped on to the conclusion that i already have; because the brain-hand-eye relationship is way, way past the pass-the-message-like-we-did-in-grade-five stage. Nowadays they just exchange synapses which doesn't really pass through the consciousness anymore. But of course I have nowhere to write it, thus the massive MASSIVE lapse. Thank God for my still-acute attention to detail, I remembered what i read, including the office address and the things i had to bring. Still. The stupidest thing i've done in a long time. I HATE MISSING TWO WEEKS OF MY PLANNER!

More than that, i can't document the developments. Writing it down and seeing it is like carving it in stone, a confirmation and affirmation of sorts that this is what i'm doing, this is what i've done and this is what i have left to do. I never thought the day would come that I, Julia, would actually rant about a planner and highly-organized days. But I guess underneath all the chaos and the free-willingness and the spontaneity is an outline to be just that. Haha.

Driving lessons: I love it, i love it, i love it! I found out that it gives me the same feeling i get after a debate, that inexplicable giggly high that you'll keep looking for, despite first gear being a real bitch and the gas-clutch combo being an art form in itself. But it doesn't matter that the engine died on me once or twice, the truth is i've only been driving for a while and that's expected. What's also expected was that i'll actually ram the car down some concrete block, but that didn't happen so i'd say that the lessons went fantastically well. All i need now is a car for myself and the road and I, we'll be the best of friends - I mean, it's not like we aren't already right? And more than that, dearies, we shall go places. Yup, we definitely will. *winkwink*

Playing piano again: It's been ten long years since i stopped; stopped so completely that of the tens of pieces i learned over six years of studying, I can only remember one: Minuet in G Minor, and not even the whole thing, just snippets. The urge to play again was a low rumbling in my guts which started around seven years ago upon hearing Vanessa Carlton. It was so low in fact that i could do with ignoring it. Then upon hearing Vienna Teng sometime after that the low rumble transformed into a simmer right on the surface of my mind. Since then it's been intensifying and intensifying. Finally, this past several months it has come to an angry boiling. So angry in fact that for weeks on end most of the summer i dreamt of pianos and playing night after night. Seriously. Now that old habit i had of tapping my fingers as if playing has come back and it only means that i can no longer keep it in. It's time i played again.

Now it all comes down to work. And everything is set finally. Online folio, done. Hard version of folio, done. List of possibilities plus contact info, done. I even have an interview confirmed for the next couple of days. I also have my head around me these days so I'm pretty much conscious 24/7, not wandering about in faraway, inaccessible places; and the spirit is joining the work bandwagon so there are no longer any subconscious saboteurs. This is serious, no-excuses job-hunting mode; I can only pray it produces results.

Because, as I've already said, it all comes down to work: car and piano classes - work; a piano - work; scuba diving with Abi - work; a whole new wardrobe - work; trip after trip with Ella and Tipay - work; paint for the room I want to move in to which i otherwise can't move into while it stays tae-yellow - work. It all comes down to work.

Thus, it's time i found me some. Wish me luck!^.^

I'm feeling restless with every aspect of my life these days. More and more the tingling sensation beneath my skin is intensifying and i don't know what the hell to do about it. The only outlets i have are my sketchpad and my blog. Then what? I can't even find the perfect layout for this after scouring tens of communities. I bet i'll be changing this again in a couple of days' time.

Gah. I'm probably just lashing out coz the web host i found for my online folio is a mess. They don't even have a page for FAQ's. And their forum page is flooded with angry rants instead of illuminating discussions. Yeah, that's probably it. I'm just at a loss for the next step i'm supposed to take.

Wow, am i becoming whiny or what? Yuck. Haha. Sorry about this. I guess it's what happens when you have too much time on your hands.

No matter, I sense a happy entry in the coming days. Hee.

( A hundred little icky things in one package. )
On a relatively, quieter note,

5. My cell phone's internet has been good to me and has finally allowed online video life, which resulted in the capacity to watch all sorts of videos that reminded me of you guys. And it kicked in again how much i effing miss you, how much i miss everyone. I swear, it has evolved into a physical kind of "missing". Unfortunately, i'm on self-imposed grounded mode until i finish my online folio and photoblog for the application season i've set for September. That plus my broke-ness and growing self-respect, which has disallowed me to keep begging for dough from my folks or to keep depleting my already depleted savings, has unfortunately held me from asking anyone out. Good thing you're all busy. It almost makes me feel like i'm not missing out on anything.

I was walking around the house this morning and i couldn't help but notice the moist wind gently grazing on my face. I knew it was calling out to me, making irrevocable the nagging sensations pulling on my guts for some time now. I have to be out there again. I have to kiss the sky again. I have to hold the wind again. Me and D-xy, we need to go wild again. In every sense of the word.

I got an invite from my friend, Ella, to go to the beach this long weekend. Though every nerve in my body screamed for me to say yes, that minute though all-powerful area of my brain where logic resides trumped all other instincts in favor of the contrary. I still am jobless, I still am broke, and i can't go on depleting my bank account anymore. I heard the crashing waves in my head wailing my name; i felt the sand on my feet rooting me down; i felt the sea breeze in my arms yanking me to that place. But it's all in my head. So I can't really kiss the sky or hold the wind or go wild. I can't do anything.

With every paralyzed step the fear grows. The fear of being trapped locks me in. I know this is what's keeping me from looking for work. I know exactly what i want, and i'm afraid i won't learn to be happy with anything else. I also know that i can not yet have what i want. To some extent i know i'm not ready, or even if i am it's not time; and the lousy state of the world is not on my side either. So how do i compromise? How do i lock myself in to set myself free? For how long? To what extent? And most importantly, how do i make myself happy?

Sometimes I wish my dreams were more accessible. I wish i learned early on to lower my wants and needs and be satisfied. I wish i didn't have that uncanny ability to be attracted to the things, the people, that require me to move mountains to attain. Or, better yet, i wish i learned to not want. Then i would really be satisfied.

Hay. All this because of an invite i had to refuse, and the wind's seductive whispers.

"My mother says when I get older my dusty hair will settle and my blouse will learn to stay clean, but i have decided not to grow up tame like the others who lay their necks on the threshold waiting for the ball and chain."

- The House on Mango Street by Sandra Cisneros


I read my name all over this.

The opening line in the book Lovely Bones has got to be one of my favorite opening lines ever. To me it's right up there with 'It was the best of times, it was the worst of times'. And to hear it, to actually hear it, just sent me on a two-minute emotional roller coaster.

Okay, so this is really more for me. I am totally over-indulging and crazy-fangirling over Lovely Bones right now. But i have the new powers of Youtube life and shall now exercise it over every available medium i have. Anyway, i don't think you'll mind.

See, i just have to share this. I can't not. It's too good! I was positively crying in the middle of experiencing major chills up and down my spine and all over my arms while watching this. Like i said in the previous entry, why can't it be December already?







Oh my gosh, i just realized. In December they'll be showing the Metro Manila Film Fest, which means we won't see it here til January! Depression! 0_o




-ps-
what is that song in the background?