I don't really have anything to say these days. I just miss word-vomiting in here.

No, the truth is I do have something to say. But like most of the things that's been occupying my mind lately, I can't release it. I feel muzzled honestly. I can trace the long process that got me here, but yeah.

I am emotionally constipated like I've never been before. Howellz.

I hope to find an emotional laxative soon.

Blergh this post is so disjointed.

Okay, going now..

Oh yes, it's that time of year again, the in-between of past and future, of holding on and letting go, and of overcoming and embracing. As I was looking for last year's Year End Meme, I stumbled upon my first post of this year. I had forgotten that this was how I felt at around this time last year; but what's even more amusing is that I, apparently, hadn't shaken it off.

To summarize, 2011 was a year of learning. Of getting out of my comfort zone and testing the waters. I was forced to look into myself this year and deal with the flowers and the monsters all the same. I was also forced to examine my relationships in a whole new light and form new perspectives in order to salvage or cope with the situations thrown my way. And of course, my craft. I realized towards the end of 2011 that it has become my baby, and though I'm a baby at it myself, I've come to make decisions and choices that are not necessarily for my happiness, but for the furtherance of photography. I have ways and ways and ways to go, but hopefully knowing these things is a significant step already.

( The Year in Review 2011 )

Maybe, hopefully, with help from God and the Universe, I'll be able to take the leap next year.

Courage and Faith.

There's something vaguely amusing about coming from a police precinct at 5 in the morning. But I say vaguely because it's a dark shadow. What it really is is shit.

I'm just back from Camp Karingal, QC after filing a police report for a car accident I was in earlier today. I was on my way home from Cubao when out of nowhere BOOM a cab making a left turn from Anonas hit my car.

Our talks went fairly smoothly, as these things go, until the driver started claiming it was my fault and charged me to pay for his damages. I was ready to let him go, knowing I was covered by insurance and that I doubt he'd be able to pay me anyway. But here he was suddenly saying I was beating the red light, he had right of way, and I was responsible for him ramming onto the side of my car. So I had to pay up.

Fuck that.

My dad came over and the police arrived and we all ended up at an office in Sikatuna Village where, for the first time in my life, and HOPEFULLY PLEASE GOD LET THIS BE THE LAST, I had to fill up a police statement relating the events.

It turns out he was claiming he had a green light too, which he naturally will, but because there was no way to refute him the police ended up letting it go and simply putting it in their records. Funnily though in front of the cops he didn't even attempt charging me anymore, even if those claims of his were what brought us there to begin with.

Fucker lang talaga.

Here I am now, glad to be home but anxious like I've never been before. I won't be able to take my car out for a while because I can't even close the driver-side door properly now. And the mere thought of driving just aggravates me. I mean seriously, the roads in this fucking country are so full of shitters I don't even know if it's still worth it anymore. Is the convenience of a direct trip enough to compensate for the inconvenience of driving on eggshells because all around you is a mess waiting to happen? I mean, the possibilities of an accident is one thing. But having to look to your left for those brave pedestrians with death wishes, to your right for those zooming inconsiderate motorcycles, in front of you for that weaving jeep with no brake lights, and behind you for that illegally overtaking FX all at the same fucking time is another.

At eto kang kahit anong ingat mong hindi magalaw yung kotse mo, nandyan yung mga batang walang magawa at papadaanan ng susi yung likod para lang makagasgas; o yung motor na magccounterflow para lang makalamang, na tatamaan yung side mirror mo dahil hindi ka tatabi para sa kanya; o yung mga hinayupak na nagmomodus operandi na sayo tatabi kasi palagay nila kaya ka nilang isahan; o yung mga putang inang driver na yan na sa kakamadali para makarami ng kita hindi tumitingin sa punyetang traffic signs at makakabangga ng kotse ng may kotse, at sila pa tong may lakas ng loob manisi at maningil.

I've gotten so hopeless with this fucking place that for so long I was at the height of indifference. But now it's morphing into a simmering hate. Please, show me something good about the streets of fucking Manila. Coz right now I just want it to fucking burn, for all I care.

I don't know what it is about me, or certain people around me, or the year, but I've been growing so impatient lately.

I guess I haven't come to terms with people changing, and the eventuality of them changing into people I don't necessarily like. I don't know how to deal with it. For a while I've been telling myself it's just a phase they're going through, but what if it's not? What if it's who they are and I can't change it anymore?

If it happens all the time now, then it can't be justified by PMS anymore, right? Or could they possibly overdose on Vitamin Bitch everyday?

But sometimes, it isn't even that they're bitchy. It's just that they've become really annoying. Forget the attempts to pass off snide remarks as random statements or innocent jibes (and the underlying assumption that I'm so thickheaded I won't see it for what it is, or pretending that they're so naive they don't know what they're doing, or that they do thus making it a hundred times worse). They've just become really superficial.

I mean, great if something makes them happy. But if I've known them for years, I would definitely know the difference between their sincere happiness, showing off, or just plain shoving-it-your-face-I'm-better-than-you condescension.

Sadly right now I don't know what to do with it. So I just shove it right back; a good upward jab right under the chin. Not really a good idea, I know.

But it's not like I want new friends. I don't. I just want the old ones back. Before all their pretensions, affectations and insecurities ate them up.

I feel like I'm being handed a destiny. It feels so grand and important in my little-girl fingers. I think I know what to do, but I'll be lying if I said that I can shake off the fear.

I've turned my brain off. I've shut my head up. And I'm trying my best to not make anything into anything.

All in all I'm doing better. Yay.

I saw my high school crush today. He used to be a minor rock star. He and his band mates were seated in front of my at the airport lounge, and it turns out they were on the same flight.

It was nice seeing him in person again. I confirmed that I'm the type who stays attracted to a guy. I don't pine and shit anymore, but I still get the butterflies and that tingling feeling inside. It's nice. I miss that feeling.

I can't help but feel like the world is so fragile right now. Like it's a mere spool of lose and worn-down thread threatening to unravel at the slightest disturbance.

Nothing feels like it's in place. Instead it's only threatening to get worse.

- A good friend is worrying over her sister who may or may not be secretly married to the Muslim heir of the Abu Sayyaf; who treats her like shit, who verbally and emotionally batters her, and shows no signs of even remotely regretting it.

- A good friend is kind of relapsing with her manic depression, and has to go out of her way now to fight the black moods before she surrenders to her expensive medication. On top of that she's taking treatment for a bad knee that's now causing her extreme pain.

- A good friend is being run down to the ground at work, which is awful considering she's had serious health scares and needs to take care of herself. But what can she do apart from suck it up for now, making her pretty emo about everything.

- A good friend's mom just found out she has Stage 4 Lung Cancer that has now spread to her bone and her brain. This is the worst news considering I know her mom; they used to drive me home on late nights. I can't imagine the weight on my friend's shoulder and I fear for her, but all I can do is be here and pray because the situation is beyond anyone at this point.

- Five people died the past month. Two were close,2 were in my periphery, and 1 was the newborn baby of someone I know. But despite the proximity, I rarely go a month hearing a single news like this. Let alone five.


Here I am now the basin, with my own shallow shit. I can no longer deny my fear of being scathed. At the beginning of the year I said it felt like 2011 was going to be explosive. Let me just admit that, for some reason, this is making me really anxious. I've never felt this strongly how much I am not bullet proof.

I seem to have completely lost the ability to control my brain vomit. What the fuck. How do I fix this? I end up doing all things I want but know will regret doing. The area in my brain that's supposed to evaluate consequences seem to be on hiatus and it's baaaaaaaaaad!

-ps-
On a good note, it is immeasurably kilig that Ultimate Crush # 4 keeps sending me e-books and other book recommendations despite not having seen each other since October and having minimal communication. Even if all we can be are book buddies, I still get fluttery insides when I see an out-of-the-blue message or wall post from him. Hee. <3

-pps-
You guuuuuuuys! I might be going here this Holy Week. Caramoan, Camarines Sur.





It's soooooo preeettyyyyyyyy! But because of the short notice and other logistical issues it's not yet a sureball. Please please please will it to happen with me, whether it's via prayers to God or pleas to the Universe or whatever else you do. I just NEED this. I NEED to be away from my present reality to reset and recharge. Gaaaaah.

I've been staring at lovers all week. I don't know what to do with myself. How to cope, how to cope??